The Ultimate Parental Crime: A Confession

I think deep down inside, every parent hopes that they don't do the same annoying things that their own parents did to them. I, for one, am at the top of this list. I have vowed never, ever to tell my kids to suck in their stomachs. I will hopefully never embarrass my kid when their first date comes over to pick them up. And, I vow here and now, with all of you as witnesses, never to insist that my kids answer the phone by saying, "Hello this is the Brereton residence, Laura speaking." Yes, that's how we used to have to answer the phone in my house. I hated it. It was long and awkward and it sounded like I was the receptionist at a law firm.

Ironically, however, I have caught myself doing and saying some things that were frighteningly close to things that my own parents did that annoyed me. More often than not, I catch myself in the nick of time before the words slip from my lips. Or, I stop just in time to avoid looking like a complete moron. But, a few days ago, I committed the ultimate parental crime: I licked my finger and used the saliva to wipe something off my kid's face. GASP! I'll give you a moment to recover...

It has been on my mind for days, keeping me up at nights and torturing my psyche as I try to convince myself that I am not turning into my parents. I remember vividly my mom licking her thumb and then wiping a bit of crumb from the corner of my mouth or a bit of dirt off my face. Who in the hell decided that someone else's saliva is more sanitary than food crumbs or a little dirt? Clearly, this childhood experience has left me scarred.

And, yet, I did it to my own child. My beautiful, funny, easy-going, all-around-great kid. I don't even remember the specifics or what was on his face. It all happened so fast. I just quickly licked my thumb and wiped his face. It was innocent enough, but the minute I did it, I regretted it. I was in shock, honestly. If my husband hadn't been there witnessing the horror, I think I would have just repressed the action somewhere deep in my subconscious mind.

My kid seemed completely unfazed by the entire experience (thank god!). I, on the other hand, am so annoyed that I did it. My mind is still reeling, trying to figure out what in the world would make me do it. I guess it was kind of a knee jerk reaction. But, if anything good can come from this experience, it is that at least I am aware that I did it and hopefully won't do it again. That's all I can hope for.

Oh, it looks like you have a little something on your face. Here, let me get it...